


Merlin's Saggy Left Testicle, I Need A Drink

by CupcakeFloss, SteRhubarb



Series: Burned and Stubbed [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Implications of a sexual nature, Sirius knows Emily Dickinson, Smoking, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeFloss/pseuds/CupcakeFloss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteRhubarb/pseuds/SteRhubarb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, How Sirius was a prick to his friends and Miranda Reynolds does not have a very nice arse. At all. In any way shape or form. And her tits are horrible too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sirius Likes His Hair and Miranda Likes Her Smokes

**Author's Note:**

> Beware! Underage smoking, blatant flirting, complete disregard of Peter Pettigrew, and the comparing of people to foods. But really. Jokes aside. People smoke. A lot. And hey, if you have a problem, that's cool. But just remember, we could've written it as they're smoking much more fun things than just tobacco.

Miranda was sitting out on the astronomy tower, taking long drags on a cigarette.

“Reynolds?” a male voice said from the shadows, and she whipped around, looking up into the face of the boy who hated her the most. "Black."

"Since when have you smoked?" Sirius asked, pulling out his own packet of cigarettes and lighting one up.

"Since always." Miranda lied easily, taking a long drag. She pushed herself up so she was sitting on the wall, one leg dangling off the other side.

"Yeah, right!" He ambled up to the wall and rested his elbows on it, peering over as he barked a laugh. "A bloke could think you started smoking up here just so you could hang around him."

"Black, you've found me out." She said deadpan, "I'm madly in love with you, and I became addicted to cigarettes just to spend time with you. However will I live without you? Oh baby, oh baby."

"Knew it." He smirked, turning to put his back against the wall and taking a long drag, looking at her from the corner of his eye. "But I'm afraid," Sirius stretched, rolling his shoulders and sighing, "that you're just not my type. I admire the effort you went to though."

Miranda snorted out a laugh and rolled her eyes, shaking her head lightly. "Whatever you need to believe to get you through the night, babe." She smirked, matching his, "Although I have to tell you, I'm everyone's type."

"Hah!" Sirius raised an eyebrow at her over his cigarette. "Oh, really?"

"Of course." Miranda grinned, taking a drag. She tilted back her head a blew out the grey smoke, watching it curl for a moment before looking back at him. "Do you doubt it?"

Sirius blew out a perfect circle of smoke alongside her fading curl. "I do know several young men who would disagree with that statement, yeah."

Miranda frowned at his smoke circle and opted to ignore it, knowing she couldn't achieve it. "If it's the guys I've dated, they're idiots and don't count. And what about me isn't... type-ful."

"'Typeful'?" Sirius repeated back to her, his eyebrow raising a little higher. "Very eloquent. I can't think of one thing at all..."

"Yes, I'm in an eloquent mood." Miranda said, narrowing her eyes slightly. She shifted so he couldn't see her pull out her wand and took another deep drag off her cigarette.

He continued his smoke circles, trying to execute one inside another but the first kept fading away too quickly. "And actually, I wasn't referring to any of your idiots."

This time when she blew out she twitched her wand, and the smoke became three perfect rings. "If not my idiots, than who?" She asked, grinning.

Sirius turned and glared as her three perfect rings replaced his two. "Oh, you want the full list? Well, if you've got nowhere to be, I could go on until morning."

He picked some tobacco from his tongue and eyed her, looking smug as she straddled the wall. "You really think you could get any guy you want, don't you?"

Miranda laughed as he glared, rolling her eyes. "Love, I know I could get any guy I want." She smirked, raising an eyebrow to him as well. "Even you." She laughed quietly to herself again, smirking. "Not like that would be hard. You'd shag any girl pretty enough, wouldn't you? As long as she's got an arse and tits, you're fine."

"Yep," he shrugged, placing the cigarette between his lips to free up his hands and climb up onto the wall.

"Anything with an arse and tits. You've got me completely sussed, haven't you, Reynolds?Any guy, huh?" Sirius sat down opposite Miranda and leaned back on the wall with a grin. "Wanna bet?"

"Bet that I could get you?" Miranda asked, frowning as he sat near her. "Or any guy?" She grinned and tilted her head back and looked up, sighing lightly. "Neither would be hard. Especially with your nature around girls. Even now you're staring at my chest." She looked back at him to smirk before leaning back farther.

"I thought that was where I was _supposed_ to be looking?" Sirius replied, mockingly innocent. "I mean, you've got them practically on show, there, Reynolds. How am I supposed to focus on your face with those things staring at me?"

Miranda rolled her eyes and sat up again, looking down at her shirt and chest. "I've got tits, it's hardly my fault you stare at them." She shrugged and looked back at him, narrowing her eyes slightly.

He took another long drag from his cigarette and then tossed the spent butt away, over the edge of the wall. "And you could never get me. That's a definite. But not just any guy, either. A guy that _I_ pick..."

She put out the butt of her cigarette, flicking the stub in his direction. "I could get you without trying, Black, and you know it. But who's this guy?"

"Careful, you're starting to sound like you want to." Sirius swatted his hand as the butt flew his way, frowning at her and sitting up. "The guy is whoever I name and you have to get him. That's the bet. You did say you could get _anybody_ , remember?"

Sirius held out his hand to shake on it.

Miranda regarded him carefully, waiting a few moments before taking his hand. "Agreed. But just so we're clear," She dug her nails into his hand before letting go. "Getting him doesn't mean shagging him. I, unlike you, actually have standards for sleeping with someone."

"Ow! Deal!" Sirius snapped before snatching his hand away to survey the damage done to his wrist.

"Stop being such a baby, Black, I barely touched you." She snapped, rolling her eyes. "Tell me who this guy is already. Or have you just been bluffing, and simply want me all to yourself?"

"Well you have to at least kiss. And not just a 'grab-him-in-the-corridor-and-snog-him-without-consent' kind of kiss. He has to want it. And I'll be the one judging whether he truly falls for you." he shot back, glaring at her for the 'baby' remark as he rubbed his hand.

"Merlin, I am so going to hell for this." Miranda murmured under her breath, sighing lightly before nodding.

"Well, you're certainly going to hell, but this has nothing to do with it," he muttered.

Sirius' expression brightened as he prepared to tell her, and he jumped down from the wall to grin up at her, a little triumphant. "Your target is none other than... Remus." Oh, Sirius was going to enjoy this; watching her struggle.

Miranda clenched her teeth in annoyance, Remus being the only one of the Marauders whom she liked. Not in any special way, he was simply nicer than the others. "Are you kidding me?" She snapped, opening her eyes to glare up at him. "You're going to have me play your best friend, for the sake of a bet? Black that is more disgusting than you've ever been."

Sirius' moral compass had always been a little whack, what with being a Black and all, but a large part of it was seeing if Remus was, indeed, seducible at all. He'd seen the boy spill Butterbeer on Mafalda Hopkirk just to escape a date, even after he'd mentioned how nice a girl he thought she was.

Sirius pretended to think about it for a long moment. "Yes! I am. He could do with a little action, and you - I shall not once hesitate to remind you throughout - specifically said 'any guy'."

He could actually _feel_ how much of a dick he looked, beaming smugly up at her. And yet, couldn't seem to find a fuck to give. Merlin, he loved winning. And winning against Miranda would be twice as thrilling.

Miranda pursed her lips and swung her leg over the wall so both feet were planted on the floor of the tower. "Fine." She said stiffly, standing up to brush off her skirt. "And to save you the trouble when I bend over, my kickers are purple." 

"...with a nice blue frill," Sirius added as she bent to retrieve her bag, with a satisfied nod of approval. "Nice."

"I'll do it, even if you're a bastard for toying with your friend like that. Give us a kiss to seal the deal?" She said, eyes narrowed out of hatred.

"'Playing' my best friend? 'Toying' with him? That's a bit strong, don't you think? I mean, he gets a little attention and possibly a kiss out of it, what's so bad about that?" He shrugged, stepping forward and licking his lips to prepare to move in.

Sirius was just leaning in when he snapped up to attention. "Wait! We haven't discussed the terms yet! How could I forget? The best bit!"

"Oh goodie. I'm so excited to hear your terms." Miranda said sarcastically, still frowning. She didn't like the unfamiliar guilt she was beginning to feel, a strange hole in the pit of her stomach. Sirius wasn't making it any better, talking about terms either. "Tell me what they are so I can leave. I have a boy to snog, and I shan't be late for it."

"Don't sound so downhearted, you get to pick some too," Sirius patted her shoulder. "Although they won't be anywhere near as creative as mine, of course."

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and paced back and forth in front of Miranda for a couple of moments, dragging it out just to annoy her. "*When* I win," he began, a smug smirk firm on his lips, "you have to..." He trailed off, humming, irritatingly.

"Merlin, Black, just tell me already!" Miranda snapped, more than fed up with him for that evening. "You're not going to win, though, so don't sound so sure of yourself. When _I_  win, you have to let me dye your hair any color I want. And, you have to confess your deepest love for Snape."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her at the mention of hair dye. She knew how much he loved his hair. Dammnit! _And_ how much he hated even going near Snape, let alone- Double dammnit!

"Right! Okay. We're playing it like that, are we?" He turned to face Miranda and stared at her face, wracking his brain for something doubly evil. "When _I_  triumph, hysterically, over your arse, _you_ have to run out onto the Quidditch pitch in the middle of a game and declare your love for me. And," he added, to top her once and for all. " _And_ , you have to wear a- a banana costume while you do it!"

He knew he'd sort of fizzled out on creativity toward the end, but it would still result in humiliation for Miranda and amusement for him, so he couldn't be completely disappointed in himself.

Miranda smirked and raised a brow at the banana comment but nodded, not saying a word. She held out her hand to shake and stepped forward. "Are we sealing it in a kiss, or are you too scared that you'll lose?" She teased, smiling sweetly up at the taller boy. "Or maybe you're worried Remmy-boy will be better than you at snogging. Nothing like that to ruin your rep, is there?"

Sirius stepped closer and wrapped an arm firmly around Miranda's waist, pulling her up to him. "I have every confidence in my superior snogging skills. And Moony's lack of any at all. Good luck cracking that inexperienced chestnut!" And with that he pressed his lips firmly to Miranda's.

It was true what the girls said about Sirius Black. He truly was an amazing kisser. Mouth almost as good as Firewhiskey, even if Miranda would never admit it. She kissed him back for as long as his lips were on hers, separating soon before she really wanted to.

Sirius laid his best on her, let her know what she was missing. Poor thing had probably never had it so good. He almost felt bad when he pulled away, a smirk firm on his lips.

"A chestnut, Black, really?" She quipped, her fallen smirk regained.

"Yeah, you know? Tough and practically unbreakable unless you cook it and crack it and then there's all this soft, creamy mush inside." He thought about his own analogy for a moment and then grimaced. "I think I just made myself sick."

"Anyway, let the games begin, and all that!" He patted her bum lightly to annoy her one last time, before strolling away toward the Great Hall for lunch.


	2. James Potter is Really Just A Crummy Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus needs to work on his helpless looks, and James isn't a great as he says he is.

Miranda scowled as he hit her bum, glaring after him and strictly not watching his backside. She followed after him a few moments later, peeking inside the Hall to look for Remus. Not finding him, she opted to wait outside and catch him before he entered.

It was only a few minutes later when Miranda spotted Remus, walking with James. "Remus, hey." She greeted, ignoring James. "Can I talk to you?" She asked and didn't wait for a reply before dragging him off down the corridor. "This'll only take a second, I promise."

"Oh, erm. Okay..." Remus let himself be pulled along in silence, pondering on whether his plea-for-help expression needed improvement, or if, in fact, James Potter was just a crummy friend. 

* * *

 

Sirius was shoving a bread roll into his mouth unceremoniously, when James strolled into the hall, pointedly Remus-less. He beckoned his best friend over with a rather over-the-top wave of his arm and stacked a plate for him while waiting for James to shuffle down the aisle.

"Did you leave Moony in the depths of the library?" he asked through a mouthful of sausage, as Potter plonked himself down. "He really needs to stop skipping meals or he'll waste away and then where would Madam Pince be without him to poke around her shelves every week? And I heard what I said, Prongs, and meant it to sounds exactly like that!"

"He's been kidnapped, Pads." James snorted, rolling his eyes at his best friend. "That Reynolds girl dragged him off somewhere, said she needed to speak to him."  

James shrugged and began eating his lunch, albeit less messily than Sirius. "Where've you been all morning? Thought you were going down to the pitch to chuck bludgers at things."

"Reynolds? You let Reynolds kidnap him?" Sirius exclaimed, spraying masticated sausage over at Kingsley Shacklebolt who had unfortunately gotten the seat opposite.

Pulling an apologetic face, Sirius leaned over to wipe at Kingsley's shoulder, still directing his attention at James.

"You prat! She's trying to seduce him! It's a long story...!"

"Sorry Kingsley," James apologized for his friend, handing the sausage covered boy a napkin as Sirius continued shouting.

* * *

 

Miranda stopped walking a little ways away from the Great Hall doors, and turned to Remus. "Sorry 'bout the kidnapping thing, but I needed to ask you a favor." She started, biting her lip and talking quickly. "Okay, see, here's the deal. I need to win a bet with Sirius, and you're kinda part of it. So if you could, maybe possibly, just go along with everything I do for the next five days that would be perfect and amazing and I'll buy you all of Honeydukes when it's over." 

"You got into a bet with Sirius?" Remus grimaced and sighed. It would be splendid to see Padfoot brought down a peg or two, and he had been wanting some more of that popping candy chocolate from Honeydukes."What would I have to do?" 

"Thank you!" Miranda said, hugging him around the shoulders before regaining her composure. 

Remus raised a sheepish finger. "I haven't actually said ye-" he began, only to be cut off by an abrupt hug and reeled back slightly.

"So -and I know this makes me sound like a slag- but I might have bet him that I could get any guy to kiss me, and he might've picked you." She said quickly, resuming her previous lip biting. "So, I was thinking, if you wouldn't mind pretending to date me for five days, that'd be awesome. Or actually date me, that'd be cool too. Just, uh, Merlin help me I'm going to hell. This sounds really bad, doesn't it? Please help a friend out? For the chocolate? And the humiliation of Black? You can choose what color I dye his hair?"

When she finally brought herself to a halt, Remus found himself speechless. He mulled over the key words; 'slag', 'kiss', 'date', 'chocolate', and 'humiliation'. He omitted 'chocolate' and reassessed the proposal.

"As much as I would love to see Sirius' face amidst bright green hair, I'm afraid I cannot help you," He muttered, moving away in the opposite direction of the hall with the distinct feeling he should be offended, but unsure as to by whom and for what.

"Remus -I don't know your middle name- Lupin, please. I need your help." Miranda pleaded, beginning to have doubts in her plan of being totally honest. "I /will not/ profess my love for Black, not ever. So please, save me from the utter humiliation of wearing a banana suit, and do this for me? Black just needs to think that you kissed me, well no he needs to see you kiss me, and he has to believe it's real."

"Again, with the-" Remus sighed over his shoulder as Miranda followed him down the corridor. "Why a banana suit? No, you know what? I don't want to know!"

She took a breath and began pouting, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes. "Remus if you do this Sirius will have to profess his love for Snape while his hair is any color you want. And you can be eating your weight in Honeydukes while watching. Please?"

He slowed to a stop as she turned on the puppy-dog eyes and used the 'P' word, pressing his back to the wall and dropping his head against it with a thunk and a groan. "I would greatly appreciate it if you'd both keep me out of your sordid little games in the future..." He muttered, wavering. And everybody knew exactly what it meant when Remus Lupin wavered. "And it's John. My middle name."

"John... I think I knew that at some point."   

* * *

 

Sirius grabbed another sausage and jumped up from his seat, pulling along James. "C'mon, I'll tell you on the way!"

"Pads, what the fuck are you on about?" He demanded as Sirius walked, stopping his friend as they reached the door. "Before we go bust them up, tell me what we're doing?"

"We're preventing a catastrophe, Prongs! My hair is my greatest attribute, amongst many of course, and I cannot- will not -have it soiled by some pissy girl with an ego that is, and I know you'll find this hard to believe, but it's bigger than mine!" Sirius blurted out, realising he wasn't actually explaining the situation at all and sighing. "Just, trust me, would you?"

"Fine Padfoot, fine." James sighed, again rolling his eyes at his friend's dramatics. "But let me make one thing clear. No one has a bigger ego than you. 

"No time for flattery, Prongs." Sirius said, breaking into a run and discovering a second later that they needn't go any further than the main entrance.

Easily spotting Miranda and a very cornered looking Remus down the corridor, Sirius skidded to an abrupt halt, resulting in James almost climbing up his back.

Sirius pushed him back and pointed a finger at Miranda. "HAH!" he shouted, startling several students moving through the entrance. "It's gonna take more than trapping him between your boobs and a wall to win this one, Reynolds!"

"I've done nothing, Black. I'm allowed to speak to my friends, aren't I? And will you please get over your fascination with my boobs? That's the third time you've talked about them in an hour." She smirked and narrowed her eyes slightly.

"I'll stop talking about them the day you stop putting them on show! And sin-"

"Does anyone want to explain what's happening?" James interrupted, asking the group at large. "And cut the cryptic crap, Pads. She's not killing him or anything. Moony's allowed to talk to a girl."

Sirius ignored James' plea for an explanation and continued yelling at Miranda. "And since when have you two been friends? Moony doesn't have friends that are girls. You're clearly harassing him. Come here, Moony, we're going to dinner."

"I have friends that are girls!" Remus protested, scowling at Sirius, his decision suddenly becoming firm in his mind. He pushed off from the wall and moved to stand closer to Miranda. "In fact, Miranda and I have become rather well acquainted recently. Isn't that right?"

"Well acquainted is one way to put it." Miranda said suggestively, her smirk growing as she saw the look of shocked horror on Sirius' face. The expression soon turned sour as his gaze rover over the two of them, and she smiled at Sirius innocently.

"Remus, I was thinking of eating lunch in the kitchens, instead of the Great Hall. Considering the fit he's already pitched, do you want to join me?" She offered, shooting him a genuine smile laced with gratitude. She was well aware she owed him big time.

"Yes, that would be nice." Remus nodded curtly and tried to avoid looking directly at Sirius' betrayed expression.

"That is a spectacular idea, Reynolds." James said loudly, tugging at Sirius' arm. "Cm'on, Padfoot, let's leave them alone." He pushed his friend to turn him around, and began pushing him towards the Hall.

The moment the boys had gone, Miranda turned to head toward the kitchens. Remus, however, stayed where he was, frowning down at the flagstone. "So, what? You're supposed to be able to get any guy you want, and I'm supposed to be ungettable? Whichever way you look at it, that's not very flattering, Miranda. To either of us."

"I know, Remus." Miranda sighed, becoming more sober. She stopped and turned back to him, her face soft and her smile slightly sad. "I'm sorry for making you do this. I'm sorry that your best friend is so horrible to you. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this messed up shit, you being one of the sincerely nicest people I know. And I'm sorry that it has to be me, the bitch that I am. If you want to, you can back out. I'll get over it."

Remus scanned her expression for sincerity. She was a nice girl, once you got past the slight arrogance and bad decision making. "No," Remus sighed softly. "We've started now. Might as well go along with it. I suppose at least I'll have an excuse to hang out with someone other than that lot when Sirius is doing my head in." He caught up to where she was stood and continued on toward the kitchens.

"Thanks." Miranda murmured, her smile brightening as she followed after him and began walking next to Remus. He was the only one of the Marauders she liked, James and Sirius being too full of themselves, and there was something about Peter she just wasn't fond of.

"And don't worry about Black. If he's too much of a prick, tell me. You might have qualms with hexing his balls off, but I don't." She shot him a small grin before falling quiet again. "Again, thank you."

"He's not actually as much of a prick as he acts sometimes, you know?" Remus informed her, as they reached the painting of the bowl of fruit at the end of the corridor. "I'd have hexed his balls off myself years ago if he was." He surveyed the painting to locate the pear and then tickled it awkwardly until the doorknob appeared. "I always feel weird doing that." 

The house elves seemed unbothered by the arrival of the two students and bustled around hauling great dishes as if they weren't even there, which Remus felt very thankful for as he took a seat beside a sink.

"You do like him really, though, don't you? I mean, why else would you spend so much time with him, even if it is just to argue? If you really hated one another you'd stay as far away as possible, like he does with Snape, surely?"

Miranda scowled and sunk into the chair across from him, more than uncomfortable with where this conversation was going.

"Remus, love, if we're gonna do this we need to have one thing straight." She said firmly, folding her arms over her chest. "And that is that Sirius Black is good for one thing, and one thing only. And would you like to know what that one thing is?"

"I- No, probably not," Remus began, but she cut him off.

The stony expression dropped from her face and she grinned. "He's fun to look at in a Quidditch uniform."

"Yes, I figured it was something like that." He cringed, picturing what exactly she would like about his best friend playing Quidditch.

He grabbed two sandwiches from a platter balanced precariously on the head of an elf as it passed by and handed one to Miranda. "I'm just saying," he continued, peering between the layers of bread and trying to work out what the brownish filling actually was. "You both seem to sort of... enjoy it. And not in the way two people who loathe each other get satisfaction, but rather like," Remus shrugged. "Well, it may not be a conventional friendship, but I think that's what it is."

"You're delusional." Miranda said shortly, frowning at her sandwich. She poked at it and took a hesitant bite, satisfied when it was revealed to be roast beef. This was not a conversation she was interested in having again, as Lily held the same opinion Remus did about the two of them. "We fight. We hate each other. End of story. This is a stupid bet but I have to win it, so can we just try and get along without you insisting that I enjoy the company of your idiotic friends?" She didn't intend her tone to be sharp but it became so as she spoke, ending in a waspish snap. "I'm sorry. That was rude of me."

"No, you're entirely right. They are idiots. I just worry about what that makes me as their friend?" Remus added after a moment of stunned silence, smirking from behind his sandwich.

They ate quietly for a little while, snatching more snacks from passing elves and then slipped out of the kitchen once they had eaten their fill. Remus had managed to grab a slice of chocolate cake that he had hilariously tried to cut from a tray that was moving away from him at a pace. He sucked some fudge icing from his thumb as they gathered themselves in the corridor.

"So is there anything in particular I should tell Sirius about how our 'lunch date' went?" he asked, folding the cake up in a napkin for later.

Miranda thought for a moment before answering, biting her bottom lip lightly to concentrate. "Say that you had a nice time." She said finally, nodding slightly. "Make it out so that it seems like you've 'discovered the real me'." She put the last words in air-quotes, and rolled her eyes. "That kind of sappy stuff. Just don't over do it. He knows that I'm playing you, but I don't think he knows you're playing him at the same time. Make it seem like you actually like me."

Remus nodded. "Subtle but effective. I can do that. I think..." His confidence wavered slightly, not completely sure what Remus Lupin was meant to act like when he liked a girl.

She peered down the hall and glanced at her watch, swearing as she realized she was going to be late for class. "I've gotta go, Transfiguration, but do you want to meet in the Common Room after dinner? It would be good to spend extra time together, and I could use some help in Potions if you're up for it. Nice excuse and it won't make anyone too suspicious."

"Yeah, no, it'll be good." Remus decided finally, content with carving his own path. "Um, yes, that would be nice. Although I'm no better at Potions, I'm afraid."

"Yes, well, isn't that helpful." Miranda murmured, the sarcasm unintentional. "I really have to go now, but we'll talk later." She said, slipping out of their alcove and starting down the hall quickly. "Bye Remus!" She called back over her shoulder, "And thank you!" She waved once before rounding the corner and speeding off towards Transfiguration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have very little work ethic during the summer (trust me, it's taken me almost three months to read two chapters of my summer reading book) so I apologize for this taking so long! To be honest, I really just hate editing. It's a bitch to have to sort through. 
> 
> Oh, and tell me if the interspersing works! I needed to have the James and Sirius bit in there somewhere, but I didn't know how well it would work out. Tell me how it is, and if I should just cut it all together.


	3. Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or how Miranda makes jokes and Commander Black is as large and healthy as ever, thank you very much. Blatant flirting. I don't know why everyone doesn't think they're dating. Well, Frank Longbottom does.

Miranda slipped into class just a few moments before class began, and the only open seat was next to Sirius. She sighed but caught the glare of her teacher and slid into the seat next to him with an annoyed huff.

Sirius was scribbling in the back of his textbook when Miranda dropped down into the seat beside him, and had just opened his mouth speak when she snapped at him. "Not a word, idiot. I had a very nice lunch, I don't want you ruining my good mood."

He made a point of returning to his 'artwork' as though he didn't care about the goings on of her lunch with Remus at all, thank you very much. Although, he was surprised to hear she'd come out the other side of it in a good mood.

"So he didn't spill anything on you, then?" He kept his eyes fixed on his inky rendering of a lopsided dog as he muttered under his breath.

"No, he didn't." Miranda said under her breath, taking out her quill and parchment as their teacher began her lesson. It was theory again, the third theory class this week, and Miranda was content to zone out, take weak notes, and maybe wind Sirius up a little. "Unlike some guys I would mention he was perfectly sweet. Doesn't think I'm the devil incarnate which helps, but I could've worked with that." She let a hint of arrogance slide into her tone as she smirked up at him.

"Yes, he's just a gentleman. And unfortunately, also hideously naive, which will explain why he cannot see the horns growing out of your head like I can," Sirius grumbled over his shoulder from where he was now slumped forward on the desk, one arm protectively around his textbook.

"I still say I could get you if I tried.” She continued, “I mean, look at you. You say you hate me and yet you never stop talking to me. You say I'm not pretty, and you can never stop staring. Seems to me like you'd be pretty easy to get if I wanted you."

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much!" Sirius suddenly raised himself to full height in his seat with a smug grin, until Professor McGonagall eyed him in that way she kept for him only, and he slouched down a little again. "You've been pressing that point far too much lately, you know, Reynolds? I think you want me. And I don't blame you!"

He sensed she was about to say something and quickly swivelled in his seat to press a finger to her lips, though a little too forcefully, causing them to move over to the side of her face. "Shh shh shh, Reynolds, it's okay. Not many can resist. If it's any consolation, you put up a good fight for four years."

Miranda scowled and pushed his hands off her face, waiting to say something until Professor McGonagall had stopped glaring at the two of them. "I do /not/ want you, idiot." She hissed, narrowing her eyes as she spoke. Her expression softened a little bit and gave him a knowing look. "I know it's hard to accept, love, as pretty as I am. But you'll just have to get along without me loving you." She said with mock sincerity, donning put-upon airs.

"The responsibility you've put on me, it's too great! How can I be the object of your affection if I am in love with another?" She lamented, keeping her voice low. "You must stop this foolishness. I will not love you, as hard as you try to woo me. Please, accept this."

Sirius made a faux hurt noise, joining in. "Who is he? The rapscallion! You were my one true admirer. All of the other girls were fickle and flyaway, but you, with your utter worship and devoted stalking, you truly cared. But alas, if you've found another to focus your incessant attentions on then so be it! Good luck to the chap, I say! And may he treat you with the pure indignation that I hope I delivered over the years."

They had managed to attract the attention of several students close by, who were looking up from their work with confusion.

"I don't get it," Miranda overheard Frank Longbottom whisper from a few seats back. "Are they breaking up? I didn't even know they were together."

"Oh, my heart, my love, I hope you find a girl willing to deal with your tiny," She glanced obviously down to his groin, "Problem. I'm sure one day you'll be able to rise to the occasion." She made sure that she said it loud enough for the people around them to hear, hiding a smirk from the agitated boy next to her. "No, don't speak." She insisted, pressing two fingers to his lips. "I know this confession must be hard for you, but I do hope your new boyfriend will make you happier than I ever could."

Sirius broke character and sat up, irritated at last. "Alright, that's crossed a line, Reynolds. Commander Black-" he smacked her hand away and turned to address their avid listeners, "is as large and healthy as ever, thank you very much, and this girl has never had the privilege to behold it in her entire sad little life."

He turned back to scowl at Miranda and found himself, which was an unfortunate oversight on her part, staring at the chest of Professor McGonagall. "Mr. Black," she snapped, crossing her arms to prevent his leering. "Would you mind not distracting the class with fictitious stories about your manhood and get on with your work?"

Miranda snorted into her hand and disguised it as a cough, waiting until Professor McGonagall had moved on to start laughing. "Privilege?" She murmured to Sirius, turning to grin at him over her parchment. "More like misfortune. And I still say that anyone who says it as much as you do must be compensating for something." She patted his shoulder in a sign of mock-friendship. "It's okay, Black, you can tell me. I won't judge you. This is a judgment free zone, where you can share anything without fear of.... Yeah, I'm out." She shrugged and went back to her work, taking notes down from the board and her textbook. "But you're still over compensating." 

"The only thing I'd share with you is a flesh-eating disease," he muttered back, hunching over his textbook.

"Yes, yes, more of the witty small-penis jokes. Really, Reynolds, you need a new repertoire, it's just tiresome now." Sirius glanced up and noticed McGonagall eyeing him again, so spent the next few minutes doing some work in silence.

"And I could show you how much I am not overcompensating, but I'm not sure your boyfriend would be very happy," he shrugged apologetically.

"My boyfriend?" Miranda murmured absently, copying down parts of the page into her notes. "And which boyfriend would that be? I get ever so mixed up with who the general public believes me to be dating." She shrugged and glanced up at the board again before continuing to scribble in her notebook.

Getting bored quickly, she began to doodle a flower on a fresh sheet of paper. When she had finished it was a blooming rose. She tapped the drawing lightly with her wand and the petals shriveled and the flower wilted, curling into itself before blooming again.

"Well, if you want to avoid walking out onto a quidditch pitch and declaring your love for me then you'd better hope the general public thinks Moony is. Wouldn't you agree?" Sirius asked, turning to face her, slightly worried that she wasn't showing more concern for how her side of the bet was going.

"Or are you planning to woo him under the wire? Terribly cowardly that method, though. Might as well make a show of it, I say." Sirius gave up on his notes and closed his textbook as he reclined, propping his elbows on the workbench behind them.

Miranda sighed lightly and set her paper up in small flames, putting it out quickly before McGonagall saw the burning page. "I'm planning on being my wonderful charming self." She said, shifting in her seat so she was facing him and laying her legs across his lap. Sirius let Miranda prop her legs up on him, absently placing a hand on her ankle to prevent them from slipping off.

"There isn't a master plan, Black. I'm just gonna be nice to him." She shrugged lightly and stole a glance at the head of the room where their teacher was helping another student. "I'll say it again, I'm not as horrible as you seem to think. I don't have some evil plan, and to be honest I don't think I want one. He's a nice guy, nicer than his friends for sure, and he's fun to talk to. By the end I may not be faking."

She looked past him out the window, pasting an absent look onto her face. It was true that she enjoyed speaking to Remus, and it was true that she enjoyed spending time with him, but she doubted that she would fall for him. He was a bit too shy for her tastes, and just a bit too nice as well. But Sirius needn't know any of that.

"You think you might fall for Moony?" he eyed her, raising a curious eyebrow. "It could happen, he is a nice guy. But just so you know, you're dead right that he's far nicer than his friends. Those fuckers will not hesitate to enact revenge on any person who dares fuck him up. Am I making myself clear, Reynolds?" There was no malice behind his eyes, just cool assurance and solid fact. He even smiled a little at her.

Ignoring the strange tingling heat radiating from his touch on her ankle, Miranda met Sirius's eyes with the same cool expression. "Crystal, Black." She said icily, her tone crisp without the hint of annoyance she felt. She knew he saw her as a horrid bitch, but she had hoped he had known she wasn't going to hurt someone. "I'm not going to do anything to your friend, lovely. I'm a bitch not a monster, and I try and avoid toying with people." She shifted her legs in his lap slightly to get more comfortable, prodding his thigh gently as she did.

"Oh! Careful there, you almost got intimate with Commander Black." Sirius beamed across the room at McGonagall who had looked up at him, glaring when she spotted him fidgeting. The next time he spoke, he said it sideways trying not to move his mouth too much, still pinned under the professor's gaze.

"Stop being such an idiot, okay? You're the one who picked your best friend." Miranda said.

"And it's different. This is a bit of fun, but if you go really falling for him and he falls for your little charade at the same time, then his entire first relationship with a girl will have been based on a lie. And a lie that I set up, making me a bad guy."

"Sweetie, you're already a bad guy." Miranda reminded, smirking slightly and rolling her eyes. "There's no curing you of that I'm afraid. But if we try hard enough, we might be able to cure you of your massive ego." She shifted again in his lap, honestly trying to become more comfortable, before finally settling in.

McGonagall reluctantly went back to marking work and Sirius finally looked to Miranda. "So let's just keep this a bit of lighthearted fun, shall we? No serious feelings. You're trying to make him think with his Little Lupin, not with his heart."

She turned back to her work, scribbling things down as she felt McGonagall's gaze focus on the pair of them. "I'm not gonna go playing with him, Black. Not more than I already am at least." She dropped her quill to look up at the black haired boy pretending to do his work and smiled gently to herself. "Hey, answer me something. Why do you hate me? I mean, aside from me being a massive bitch."

Sirius looked up from where he had begun folding a spare piece of parchment and pursed his lips as he pondered the question. "Let's see... you have an ego the size of a small continent, yep," he pointed to her as she said it herself, "you're a massive bitch, there's that also, thank you. Erm, you... well-"

He dropped his eyes back to the desk, frantically folding the parchment as he racked his brain. When Sirius finally came to the horrific conclusion that he couldn't actually think of another thing to add to the list he huffed loudly. "Who asks questions like that?"

"Mr. Black, you've finished your work, have you?" McGonagall asked smugly from the front of the classroom.

Sirius gritted his teeth in frustration at being called out again. "Yep!" he announced, much to her amazement, and raised his parchment so she could see. He'd always had the knack for getting work done with minimal effort. Miranda hated him for it.

"Let me see that." Miranda demanded, taking his paper from him and scanning it before looking up at their stunned teacher. "He actually did it." She affirmed, handing it back the smug looking Sirius. She looked him over again, cocking her head to the side to appraise him.

He was tall, thin, muscled, with an arrogant face that was always better when he was smiling that crroked smile of his. Miranda wasn't too proud to admit he was attractive (she would have to be blind not to see it) but she had never stopped to look at him. Really look, not just glance.

"I ask those questions, Black." She said when she was done staring, blinking a few times. "Besides, it's a reasonable question. You've never said why you actually hate me, it's reasonable to want to know why. Which, might I point out, you don't have an answer to."

He finished folding his parchment into a flower that rivalled Miranda's sketch earlier and placed it on the desk between them. When he tapped it with his wand, it bloomed like Miranda's did.

"You're taking constructive feedback, are you? We just annoy each other. I don't know." Sirius shrugged. "I mean, why do you hate me, then? Wait, no, don't answer that. I'm playing right into your hands, aren't I? You wanted me to ask so that you could do some long winded, rehearsed speech about how I'm a huge dick but I have a very tiny one of my own, or some crap like that, right?"

He shook his head as he checked his watch. "Well you can save your breath little lady, because it's the end of class and I am out of here!"

Miranda scowled and pointed her wand as his parchment, watching as the flower burst into flames. She smiled grimly and swung her legs off his lap, beginning to put her quills and ink away and fold up her own notes into her notebook.

Sirius frowned at the flower when she busied herself with her belongings. It's not like he'd made it for her or anything, it probably would have just gone in the bin anyway.

"Sorry about that." She said, nodding her head towards the burned and charred mass that had been his work. "I just get so annoyed when people are slime balls I can't control it sometimes." She shrugged as if it couldn't be helped and stood up, stretching her arms up. As she did so her untucked uniform shirt rode up, and there was a line of skin between her skirt and shirt before she fixed her appearance. "Later, lovely."

He packed his bag and slung it over his shoulder, catching sight of her skin as she stretched before sliding out from their desk. "Don't worry, I'm the same with complete bitches," he said conspiratorially before knocking her notebook off the desk and leaving the classroom.

"Stupid fucking Black." Miranda swore as her notebook fell and all the papers inside of it scattered. "Sorry Professor." She murmured when she received a glare from McGonagall for her language as she knelt to retrieve her drawings, notes, and general writing bits.

It was ten minutes later when she finally left the classroom, having been stopped by her professor before she could leave to be lectured about her language and behavior in class. It had only made her angrier when McGonagall had informed her to 'ogle at Mr. Black another time'.

She stomped up to the common room in a foul mood, the black cloud above her head only getting darker when she walked in and Sirius was in her favorite seat. More than too angry for an argument she slunk to a table near the fire to start on her homework, sighing deeply as she did so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone reading this? I feel a bit alone out here in the black. Send us a wave, meimei.


	4. Tea, Toast, and Don't Forget the Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lily isn't amused by Miranda and Remus is tea and toast.

Remus had returned from his class five minutes earlier and gone to deposit his bag in the dormitory before returning to the commonroom, where he spotted Sirius prone on the sofa and Miranda fuming by the fire. He sighed to himself, wondering why they found it so difficult to just get along.

Sirius opened his eyes while Remus was mid-way through deciding which of them would be less effort to deal with, and flapped a hand in the air to attract Remus' attention. "Moony! Be a pal and give me a backrub?"

Needless to say, Sirius had made the decision for him, and Remus walked over to Miranda, sitting in the seat beside her and rubbing his temples. "Good lesson?"

Miranda looked up when Remus sat down, shooting the perpetually tired looking boy a grin. "It was alright. I've had worse." She shrugged, finishing her sentence before pushing away her finished essay. "You?" She asked as she stretched up, her back cracking as she got rid of the tension in her neck and shoulders. She nodded as he responded, smiling again as she sat back.

"Quite enjoyable. I could have happily sat there for much longer, actually." He hummed, leaning back in his chair in a way that showed exactly how exasperated he felt.

"Sirius, love," She called in reply, smirking slightly as she tipped her head back to see the frowning teenager. "It's really rather hard to focus on Remus with you trying to kill me with your glaring. Do me a favor, pet, and grow up a bit? You're distracting, and I'm actually interested in the words coming out of his mouth at the moment.”

Remus daren't turn to see the boy for himself, but he could imagine the reaction Sirius gave her based on Miranda's expression of smugness. Probably flicked her the V's or tried to pretend he wasn't looking at all.

"Anyway, do you want to relax or...?" Remus pressed on, trying his hardest to omit the existence of Sirius Black from his mind for the time being, as wads of paper began winging their way past his head. "Sorry, my mind wandered then. Relax, or should we get started on our Potions work? We could-" He stopped short as a rather hefty wad of paper smacked into the back of his head.

"Really, Black?" She asked, more than slightly annoyed with him by now. "Try not to be a child, won't you? It's annoying." She leaned forward and picked up the paper, chucking it back to the black-haired boy and smiling grimly as it hit its mark.

"Put a sock in it, Reynolds," Sirius snapped as her ball of paper caught the side of his head. "Moony! Hey, Moony? Remus! ...Lupin! REMUS LUPIN!"

"I don't understand how you like him." Miranda sighed lightly, leaning back in her chair and closing her eyes.

Remus gritted his teeth and rubbed his head, trying to focus on what Miranda was saying while Sirius yelled over the top. "Oddly enough, I'm having trouble understanding why myself right now."

"Would you excuse me? I'm just going to go and strangle him." Remus muttered before rising from his seat and stomping over to the couch where he loomed over Sirius and whispered angrily. "Could you not do this right now? I'm trying to spend some time with my friend who, with good reason I might add, rather dislikes you, and you're- well, for lack of a better word, Sirius, you're fucking it up. So could you just... not?"

Sirius looked stunned for a moment until, unfortunately for Remus, James came through the portrait hole and one of Sirius' eyebrows raised slowly and mischievously. "Prongs! Would you believe me if I told you that Moony just said the word 'fuck' at me?"

James raised an eyebrow at Sirius and then Remus as he walked in, giving up on his idea of a nap before dinner. "Moony, did you really?" He grinned as he got closer, clapping the slightly shorter boy on the back.

"I mean, I'm all for it, but what happened to not using the "vulgar language of idiots and drunks who don't have anything better to say"?" James said, repeating back what Remus had said many times over.

"Yes, you did say that, Moony. Does that mean you've finally come over to the side of us drunken idiots?" Sirius asked up at Remus who had closed his eyes as if he was willing the ground to open and swallow him.

"I guess he's been spending too much time with me." Miranda replied for Remus, standing up from her seat and strolling over to the crowd of boys on the couch. She smiled down at Sirius before slapping him upside the head.

"Ow! Assault!" Sirius protested when Miranda clouted him around the head.

"I told you not to be a child, Dumbo. Merlin, don't you ever shut up? It's just a bit impressive you two can stand him." She directed the last comment to James and Remus, shooting the other boys a small smile.

"Don't you ever butt out? This is a Marauder conversation and you are not and never will be a Marauder. Not unless Peter ate you, and then I guess you'd sort of be..."

"Nobody is eating Miranda!" Remus raised his voice. There was a brief pause within which a grin spread across James' face and Remus' cringed as he regretted his choice of words in the presence of Sirius Black, Lord of Turning Innocent Remarks into Dirty Thoughts You'd Rather Not Have.

"Not unless Reynolds-" Sirius began, but Remus quickly grabbed hold of Miranda at the elbow and steered her toward the portrait hole.

Miranda turned in Remus's grasp and flipped Sirius the bird before the two left the common room. "Again I ask, why do you talk to him?" She asked, hooking her arm through Remus's as they walked. "I mean, besides being your dorm-mate, you just don't seem like his type. He's... I guess more like a puppy. Excitable and obnoxious, and you're just... Not." She winced slightly, and hurried to explain. "Merlin, that sounds both disturbing and offensive, but it isn't meant either way."

* * *

"So. Pads." James said, smirking as Remus led Miranda out. He fell back onto the couch next to his friend as his smirk grew. "You are aware that you're jealous of Moony and in love with Miranda, right? 'Cause I'm almost positive the entire common room knew that."

He glanced towards one of the third year girls in the corner and called to her. "Oi! He's jealous of the two that just left, yeah?" The young girl looked semi-terrified before nodding and returning to her work. "I rest my case."

Once Sirius had finished yelling the end of his sentence at the retreating backs of Remus and Miranda, he slumped back onto the sofa with James, laughing. And then the bastard had to go and kill the mood with comments like that. Sirius gave James a dig in the arm. "Fuck off. Jealous? I feel sorry for Moony that I dumped that bitch on him with that bloody bet. And the only way I'd love Miranda fucking Reynolds was if-" James interrupted to get the opinion of a terrified bystander who agreed, Sirius was sure, only so she could be left alone. "Oh, right, because a random girl could tell just from- I mean, I didn't even- How could a person even tell that just from five seconds interaction? Bollocks, Prongs. Great big dirty bollocks is what you're talking."

"Sirius, come on." James sighed, hitting him back lightly. "It's obvious to everyone that you have feelings for the bird. If you didn't you wouldn't have made the stupid bet in the first place. You just would've told her to stuff it up her arse." He couldn't believe his best mate could be so stupid, and screw up so much.

"And here's the truth of it, idiot. Miranda Reynolds is a nice, attractive, smart girl who just so happens to be showing interest in our dear Moony. She's the kind of girl he'd actually like, and you've just made it harder for both of them. Either stop it and tell her, or stop being jealous and let them be.”

Sirius, oddly enough, listened in complete silence as James lay everything out on the table, and when he was finished, Sirius found himself in a state of horrible uncertainty. James, although often in a state of mind similar but not quite on par with Sirius, sometimes had these soberingly insightful periods such as this where he just seemed to get things that other people tended to overlook. And it was times like this that Sirius Black was damned lucky to have James Potter to lay it out nice and simple for him.

He stared into the fireplace, his jaw set. "Fuck."

James watched as Sirius thought, seeing the gears working in his friend's head before stopping on one conclusion. He smirked as Sirius swore, sighing lightly to himself. "Enjoy your issues." He offered, standing up and stretching his arms above his head. "I'm going to dinner." He said, yawning lightly and walking towards the portrait hole. "Pads, if I were you, I'd find her and tell her. She's with Moony, not celibate." He called back over his shoulder as he left.

Sirius reached for James as he got up and missed grabbing the hem of his jumper by millimetres. "No, wait, I need you right now!" He called after his best friend, his mind swimming, but James was out of the commonroom in record time and Sirius was left, stood in front of the fireplace with his hand outstretched and the frightened girl in the corner staring at him.

"What do you think I should do?" He asked her, skeptically. She lost a bit of her terrified expression as she deliberated and then shook her head slightly. "You're right, I should go talk to Moony first. Good. Good hustle. I owe you one." Sirius nodded, before running out of the commonroom.

* * *

 

"No, I-" Remus laughed lightly. "I know what you mean. The four of us, though, we have this unique dynamic thing going on. It's hard to explain, but we accept each other. I forgive Sirius for being a complete idiot and in return... I guess I'm forgiven for being a dull, forty year old man in a boy's body."

"Makes sense." Miranda nodded, walking in the general direction of the Great Hall. They had an hour to kill before dinner, so she was content to wander for a while. "But I don't think you're boring. A bit shy maybe, and you're more subdued than James or Black, but not boring. You just seem..." She trailed off and bit her lip lightly. "I'm sorry if this is rude, but you just seem the more plain type. Not bad plain, or boring plain, but like... Comfort food. Like they're this amazing thing, but after awhile you just want your toast and tea for breakfast. Does that make sense, or is it just offensive and strange?"

Remus smiled to himself as she spoke. "I'm tea and toast? I suppose there are worse foods to be. Personally, I'd prefer being chocolate, but I can live with tea and toast." He glanced sideways at her, worrying her lip over whether she'd offended him. "Thank you, though. And that was a lovely analogy. Do you want to know what I think you'd be?" He tipped his head to the side and squinted at her, pretending to work it out. "Actually, I think you're chocolate, but the expensive kind, high in cocoa. Some people think they don't like it because it's too sharp and bitter, but that's just because it's so rich in flavour. They just need to get used to the taste."

"Thanks, Remus. That's... Honestly the sweetest thing someone's said. Usually they just call me a heartless bitch and get on with it." She leaned up to brush a friendly kiss to his cheek before she started walking again. As she walked, Miranda thought about what had just happened. It had felt... Wong. Like she was supposed to be kissing someone else. And even though she knew who that someone was, she would go to hell and back before admitting it.

"I guess it's a bit soon to count that as The Kiss, right?" he asked jokingly a couple of minutes later, breaking his own awkward silence.

Miranda sighed lightly out of relief when he broke the silence and smiled. "Just a bit, yeah. I kissed you then because you were being sweet, and that's a good enough reason to kiss someone." She glanced up at him and grinned. "But no, The Kiss has to be you kissing me. According to our brilliant rule-maker." She rolled her eyes and shook her head, slipping her wand out of her sleeve to cast a tempus charm. "It's getting towards dinner, we should start heading back. Great Hall or kitchens?" She asked as she started leading them down the corridor that would take them to the Great Hall.

"Ah, yes. I forgot."

"We should probably show our faces in the Great Hall, I think," he admitted, and began mentally preparing himself for another encounter with the Marauders.

"I guess it would be the best course of action." Miranda nodded, sighing lightly again as they began to walk. "Oh. Merlin help me, I'm going to have to tell Lily." She murmured, her feet dragging. It wasn't that she didn't want to tell Lily, it was simply that she didn't want to have the girl-talk that would follow talking to Lily. "Don't get me wrong, I love that girl to bits, but if I have to explain why I suddenly have an interest in you, I am going to pitch myself off the Astronomy Tower. And don't be offended, I just hate girl-talks. They're too... Girly for me."

"You're going to tell her the truth?" Remus asked, a raised eyebrow as they paused in the entrance to the Great Hall. He peered down the Gryffindor table and spotted both Lily and the Marauders sat a distance away from each other, which would prove to be helpful if Miranda chose to spill the beans to Evans. "I'll have to go sit with the boys. Good luck with Lily."

And with that, Remus slipped his arm out of Miranda's grasp and approached the empty space next to Peter at the table.

Miranda stalled in the entrance as long as she could before finally steeling herself and walking into the Hall. Remus had been wrong when he suspected her of telling Lily the truth, and she had always had an issue with lying to Lily. "Hey," She greeted, sliding into the seat next to her best friend. "Good day?" She offered, smiling.

Lily had been paused with a fork halfway to her mouth since Miranda had appeared in the doorway, and continued up until she sat down beside the redhead, acting all casual.

"Oh, definitely not, but that's a story that can wait until you've told me exactly what you think you're doing walking into dinner on Remus Lupin's arm?" Lily asked in her Prefect tone, but with an amused smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. "Is that where you've been all day? With him? Oh, Mir, tell me you haven't soiled poor Remus. He was always the nice one." She glanced sadly over to where the boys sat and unfortunately made eye contact with James, quickly averting her eyes again and focusing them intently on Miranda and the answer she was giving.

"Firstly, I haven't soiled any of those boys." Miranda started, pointing towards the group with her fork. "Black and Potter were already like that, and Remus is still perfectly sweet in every way." She took a roll from the platter and began ripping pieces off and popping them into her mouth. "Secondly, no, I haven't spent all day with him, only lunch and my free period after Transfiguration. Before I was up on the Astronomy Tower." She glanced over to the group of boys again and was slightly worried about what she saw, at least with Sirius and Remus. "And lastly, he's a nice guy. I'm not allowed to spend time with a nice, interesting, funny guy, who just happens to also be attractive?"

"You're allowed, alright. I'm just not sure how long he'll stay a nice, interesting, funny, attractive guy in your presence, what with your track record." Lily smirked before popping some carrots into her mouth. "But really, how long has this been going on? You've never mentioned him once to me and suddenly you're spending your lunches and free periods with him. You have to forgive me for being curious, Mir?"

Miranda looked again towards the group of boys, regarding Remus carefully before she spoke. "He's nice to me, Lils. It was an accident, spending lunch with him, and the free-period thing... We were going to study but then Black was being a jerk so we left." She bit her lip gently, eyes settling on Sirius for a moment before returning to Lily. "It's nothing new, promise. I just like spending time with him, and he's one of the few attractive and sweet guys here who isn't incompetent or taken. And it's not like I'm dating anyone, or he's very interested. It's just talking, a bit of flirting maybe."

Lily had paused again to listen, her eyebrow raised. "Miranda, sweetie, I'm not sure you're hearing yourself. You never just want to hang around a guy without anything going on, or at least the prospect of something happening eventually. And Remus Lupin doesn't hang around with girls full stop, so he is saying a lot by willingly being with you."

She caught Miranda's gaze over at Sirius and rolled her eyes. "Ohhh, okay! I should have known. This is about Black, isn't it? Some jealousy thing. I just hope you've managed to rope Remus into it and you're not just playing him." And she went back to eating.

Miranda gaped at Lily, her mouth moving up and down as she stuttered and made a grab for coherency. "I am /not/ jealous!" She said at last, narrowing her eyes slightly at her friend. She wasn't jealous, or interested, and any pleasure she got from fighting with him was sadistic. She didn't like the attention he paid to her, not at all.

"Especially not of Black! He's arrogant, annoying, incompetent, oblivious, selfish, conceited, his attitude is terrible, he's self absorbed, he believed the sun shines out his arse, and he's just generally terrible!" Miranda's voice ended louder than she intended and she could feel the gaze on the back of her neck from the people sitting around them.

"No, I was thinking more along the lines of making him jealous by using Remus. But yes, now that you mention it, you do tend to snap more often than usual after you've seen him leering at another girl," Lily pursed her lips, amused at Miranda's passionate rant and tried not to roll her eyes again. "Well, you certainly both have the 'oblivious' thing in common."

She cleared her plate of the vegetables and pushed the rest to one side, a little hurried and turned to Miranda with a knowing smile. "All I'll say is you can lie to your best friend all you want, Miss. Reynolds, but you cannot lie to yourself. I'll leave you with that gem of knowledge, as I have to go oversee some detentions. Now for some entertainment with your dinner as you watch me try and escape the hall without James Potter tailing me. I'll see you later!" And with that, Lily pecked Miranda on the cheek and attempted to weave the way to the door with her head down.

"Lily, no!" Miranda called after her, sulking. "Don't leave me all by myself!" She raised a hand to try and make a grab for Lily but the redhead was gone. Miranda huffed slightly and glared down at her plate, silently blaming it for her troubles.

After a few moments she glanced towards the boys, confused to find them arguing. She slid down the bench just as Remus left and was only able to catch the last words Peter said.

Peter was frowning across at James and failed to whisper, "Remus and Sirius fighting over the same girl? I don't like this.

"Who're Remus and Sirius fighting over?" Miranda asked the group at large, slightly startling Peter as she suddenly appeared next to him.

"I, uh..." James started glancing between Miranda, Sirius, and the back of Remus's head as he left. "Reynolds, that is a great question. And, erm, it will be answered at a date that is not this one. So leave."

Miranda raised a silent eyebrow to James, shaking her head slightly before she stood up and began to walk away. "Oh, Black!" She smirked, turning to walk backward. "Halfway to winning already. Do you like green or purple better?"

Miranda had planned on following Remus and speaking to him as he stormed out of the Great Hall, but ended up behind a large crowd of third years and lost sight of him. She sighed lightly as she stood in then entryway before ambling up the stairs towards the Astronomy Tower. As she walked the stream of people in the halls began to thin until she was alone as she walked. Miranda was panting lightly when she finally reached the platform of the tower and she collapsed on the wall, resuming her previous position on the stone. "I should probably go talk to Sirius." She murmured after a few moments of silence, even as he eyes slid closed. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm just gonna assume the jumping around is working for everyone. Good? Good. :-)


	5. Padfoot, You Wimp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius is a wimp, James is annoyed, and Remus thinks everyone's childish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This starts during lunch with the boys, and I couldn't fit it in with lunch with the girls.
> 
> Edit: Fuck me. I forgot this last bit, and it's actually really a big part in later chapter/s. Oops?

 

"Hello, stranger. James. Sirius." Remus said rather cheerfully, to which he received a large, sincere smile from Peter, an equally genuine one from James, and a pointedly averted gaze from Sirius. "You alright there, Sirius?"

The dark haired boy looked up innocently with a mouthful of beans. "Yes," he attempted to shrug and nod at the same time and ended up dribbling tomato juice a little. "Brilliant, thank you. Yourself? I see you and Reynolds are really hitting it off. That sort of sprung out of nowhere, didn't it, Prongs?" Sirius elbowed James sharply for support as he wiped his mouth.

James shot Sirius an exasperated look as he rolled his eyes before turning back to Remus. "Sirius is right. You seem to be having quite a lot of fun with her." He said in a monoton, backing Remus more than Sirius. He loved his friends (in a totally manly way) but sometimes they were just idiots. And in this moment, Sirius  needed to be pushed towards something he didn't exactly want to do. "But honestly, Moony, you do seem like you're into her. Strange, kinda."

Remus nodded uncertainly at the two of them and began eating while he thought of a good reply. "Yeah, we just," he shrugged as he chewed his vegetables. "We have a shared love of, uhm, chocolate. That's how it started. And we enjoy each other's company. She really is an interesting girl, Sirius, I have no idea why you can't see that. Anyway, we- we're really getting to know each other." He left it there to let them interpret the last bit themselves however they saw fit and continued eating in silence.

Sirius watched the top of Remus head as his heart sank and then glanced sideways at James who was making eyes over at Lily Evans. "That's so... I mean, nice one, Moony. I'm glad you've finally realised what your dick is for and taken the initiative to use it," Sirius strained one of his smirks and rude comments and hoped it didn't sound too forced.

Sirius took Remus' oversight of his lewd comment to mean the very worst; that he was indeed taken with Miranda. The very use of the word 'dick' would usually have Remus reeling, shocked and appalled with admonishment on his lips. His lack thereof could only mean that he intended to proceed with her into some sort of relationship.

James, being preoccupied with staring at Lily, only heard the last comment that Sirius made as he turned back to the group. He took in the forced smirk and the strained tone and shook his head, kicking Sirius lightly under the table. "Pads..." He murmured, speaking low into Sirius' ear. "I thought you said you were going to tell him."

"Well, I can't now, can I?" Sirius tried to murmur back.

"Tell me what?" Remus asked without even lifting his head. "You do realise I'm sat opposite you both, not two feet away, and my ears are in full working order?"

Sirius, understanding that James was in a take-no-shit mood and would cheerfully get the whole awkward conversation over on behalf of him, tried again. "So you are actually really into her then? Like, as a girlfriend type thing?" He tried to keep his voice light, like a guy would normally ask after his best friend's intentions with a girl.

"Sirius." James sighed, shaking his head. "Passive aggressive really doesn't work for you. Just say it, alright?" He demanded, frowning. His day had been less than ideal, with the detention and his earlier encounter with Lily and he was rather fed up with Sirius' stupid bets. The other teen was constantly getting in trouble for his schemes, and this one actually involved another human with actual feelings. If James knew anything, it was that there was little chance Sirius would come out on top in all of this.

Remus observed the two best friends over the top of his goblet and when Sirius seemed to be flailing, placed it down gently and sighed, trying to hold back his amusement. It really was a rare and beautiful occasion when one witnessed Sirius Black in a fluster. "Are you jealous? Of me?" Remus had always been in the practice of modesty, but was struggling significantly at present. "I mean, it's always been obvious from the perspective of, seemingly everyone but you, that you like Miranda Reynolds, but are you actually finally admitting it to yourself right now and becoming jealous?"

He glanced desperately at James, who seemed to have better grip  of what was going on their side of the table.

"Yes, he is." James said before Sirius could answer, grinning at his indignant sound. "What? You are. Like Moony said, it's obvious you like her. You've been moping all day about those two, and it's really not worth it. She likes you back, Pads. An idiot could see it." James had just finished his speech when Miranda started shouting, and he winced slightly when he realized who she was talking about. "She's lying, mate. I know she is."

"I don't know," Remus shrugged, stabbing at the last of his chips. "She sounds rather convincing. To be fair, you do treat her quite terribly, Sirius."

"She gives as good as she gets, Remus," Sirius snapped back. He almost never called Remus by his first name. Peter glanced desperately at James.

"Then perhaps you should have given her a bit of a nicer attitude and she would have kissed you on the cheek, too?" Remus shot back, before dropping his fork on to his empty plate and leaving the hall.

Peter frowned across at James and failed to whisper, "Remus and Sirius fighting over the same girl? I don't like this.

"I, uh..." James started glancing between Miranda, Sirius, and the back of Remus's head as he left. "Reynolds, that is a great question. And, erm, it will be answered at a date that is not this one. So leave."

Miranda raised a silent eyebrow to James, shaking her head slightly before she stood up and began to walk away. "Oh, Black!" She smirked, turning to walk backward. "Halfway to winning already. Do you like green or purple better?"

Sirius, who had been stone-faced since Remus had stormed off, narrowed his eyes at Miranda in her gleeful exit and raised his middle finger at her. Once she had, unfortunately for Sirius, managed to work her way out of the room without tripping over, he turned to James with an incredulous gawk. "What the fuck were you playing at?" He snapped. "Why did you tell Moony that I liked her? I don't even know how I feel about her. I mean, she irritates the shit out of me, but I just- I don't know, alright? And now it's like we're fighting over her or something. It's stupid. You should have kept your mouth shut, Prongs."

Sirius and James never fought, and on top of having just witnessed Sirius and Remus fight, Peter shrunk further in his seat and made a small squeak of discomfort at the situation.

"Really, Padfoot?" James snapped back, pushing his plate away from himself. "The entire of Gryffindor house knows you two have it bad for each other. You were going to have to tell Moony sometime or another, it might as well be now. And for Merlin's sake, stop blaming me for your inability to talk to people seriously." He took a last sip from his goblet before swinging his leg over the bench and standing up.

James glanced between Sirius and Peter and motioned to Peter to leave with him. Sirius was terrible when he was angry, and Peter looked startled enough as it was. "Me'n Wormy are going up to the common room, come up when you're done sulking into your cake and terrorizing the first-years."

"You're being a bad Marauder and a shit friend. Is that serious enough for you?" Sirius stood up and barked back. "Yes, I've got myself into a load of shit of my own doing, but I've needed your help and all you've done all day is run off or fuck things up. So you can take Peter with you to your beloved commonroom, because I'm fed up with you!" He flapped a hand at Peter who seemed to be stalling between the two of them, undecided with where he should go.

Sirius watched the two of them leave and once he zoned back in on the moment, realized he was stood at the table, his brow furrowed and breathing heavily as several first years looked on, worrying over James' last comment. "Don't worry, I haven't got time right now. Anyway, show's over. Go back to your dinners." And grabbing his cake, set off in search of Miranda.


	6. Sirius Black is a Big Twatting Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which people steal, lie, use an actually horrific amount of petnames, and smoke a fair amount.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is a universally acknowledged truth that I am a terrible human being. It is only made worse by that whole never updating thing. I will proceed to hide in shame. Let the cute, flirting, smoking, and twatting girl-ing continue!

Sirius had followed the general thrum of people until they began fizzling out around the third floor and then proceeded to check practical places like the girls lavatories. Once he'd been beaten and screamed at by a sufficient amount of girls, he headed up to the Astronomy Tower for a relief cigarette.

Despite having set out to search for Miranda, when he happened upon her in the tower, a surge of irritation washed over him. He took the cigarette that he'd placed between his lips prior to stepping onto the balcony out of his mouth and pointed an accusing finger at her. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Miranda's eyes shot open and she sat up quickly, almost toppling off the wall as she suddenly shifted her balance.

Sirius lunged forward and grabbed hold of Miranda's sleeve to prevent her from falling. When he realised she was not, in fact, about to fall to her death he threw his hand off and attempted to regain the anger he had initially felt upon seeing her.

"Merlin, Black, trying to kill me? Give us a fag then, dear? My day was shit and I have a feeling it isn't about to get better."

"You're damn fucking straight it isn't going to go better," He pushed his cigarette packet into his back pocket pointedly not indulging her request

"I was talking to Moony at lunch and he seems to be really taken with you, you know? " Sirius continued, conversationally before taking a turn for the sarcastic. "And what did we talk about not hours ago in Transfig? Hmm, was it maybe about how you weren't supposed to make him actually fall for you? Yes, is the answer. That is exactly what was made clear."

"Sweetie, seriously? I'm not interested in Remus, alright? He's sweet, for sure, but just not my type. I tend to prefer the emotionally stunted berk who's more fun to flirt with than cute little Remmy-boy."

Miranda reached out and gripped his wrist lightly to pull him closer, slipping her hand quickly into his back pocket and fishing out his cigarette pack before letting him go. She shook one stick out of the carton and light it with the end of her wand, taking a long drag and breathing it out heavily.

Sirius rubbed both hands over his face, exasperated. "Right, well maybe we should just call the whole thing off then? It was a stupid bet to begin with. I shouldn't have set it and you shouldn't have gone along with it."

He said this as she pulled him in and stole his cigarettes, completely unaware until he'd finished his proposition and by then she'd pulled one out and lit it up.

"Give me that!" he snapped, snatching the cigarette from her full lips and the packet from her hand. "Are you even listening? I don't want to do this anymore."

Miranda scowled and snatched the cigarette back, turning her body away from him so it was harder to retrieve.

"Baby, if you ever decide what you want, I think we all just might die of shock." She drawled, tipping her head back to smirk at him and blow smoke in his direction. "Fine, fine, you don't want to do this. I'll give it up, on a few simple conditions." She paused again to take a drag, breathing deeply as she exhaled.

"You have to forgive Remus and James. You have to stop being jealous of nothing. And you have to tell me the actual reasons for you wanting this to stop."

"I'm not je-!" Sirius began, then stopped himself, fed up of arguing that point all day, and took a deep breath. He stood silent for a moment and watched her smoke his cigarette, biting his lip as he pondered her conditions.

"Fine," he shrugged one shoulder. "I'm not even angry with them. They're forgiven. And I'm not jealous." Sirius pulled a cigarette for himself out of the carton and lit it up.

"The real reason is... is because I don't want Moony to get hurt. By you. Because you're a bitch." He put that on the end for good measure. It wasn't like he was lying anyway, that was definitely one of the reasons. Maybe just not the real reason.

Frowning, Miranda swung her legs back over the wall so she was facing him.

"Baby, I may be a bitch, but even I'm not horrid enough to hurt that boy. Unlike some, he's actually kind, clever, and attractive and that isn't something that most guys are. And if you tell me the real reason you don't want me to do this anymore, I won't do it."

"Because I like you! Okay?" Sirius finally snapped at her, and despite it being a complementary declaration, he managed to make it quite threatening. "Merlin's sake, I fucking- Is everyone happy now? I've been told over and over by fucking everyone, 'Oh, Sirius, just admit it', 'Sirius, you're just jealous', like I'm some idiot who can't tell the difference between liking someone and hating them."

He threw his barely smoked cigarette onto the floor and ground it out with his foot. "Well, if I am an idiot, then so are you." He looked up at her defiantly.

Miranda's smirk grew into a grin as he spoke, and by the time he was done she was laughing softly to herself. "Sweetie," She murmured, managing to make the pet name sound like an insult as she shook her head and stubbed out her cigarette on the wall beside her.

"Why do you think I agreed to such an idiotic bet?" She laughed gently again and reached out to him, pulling him closer by his shirt.

"This is going to be one of the very few times I ever say it, so listen carefully." Miranda warned her tone threatening, raising an eyebrow to him. "I like you. You're cute, funny, clever, and just generally fun to be around and flirt with. Yes, you're an idiot, but you're an idiot who likes me so it's forgiven. And for the love of all that is holy, stop being so fucking defensive about it."

He watched her put out the cigarette and let himself be pulled in, not, in all honesty, having expected this reaction from her. Sirius had sort of prepared himself for some more smug grinning, probably a mocking laugh, maybe even with some pointing to accompany. Definitely not this. He looked up into her brown eyes and listened carefully, his mouth dropping open as she went on.

She finished and a silence stretched out between them before Sirius collected himself.

"Are you fucking kidding me? "I thought you were going to make me walk around the school starkers with the words 'I love Miranda Reynolds, aren't I a big twatting girl?' written across my chest. I thought you'd laugh in my face and kick me down all one hundred and forty two staircases. Of course I was defensive, you're a bitch!"

"Well, now that you mention it... You are a 'big twatting girl'. Maybe that isn't such a bad idea. The staircase thing..." She pretended to deliberate for a moment before shaking her head. "Nah, I'd get in too much trouble if you died. A few detentions for making you walk starkers is one thing, but assisted murder? Too much effort."

Sirius barked a laugh of relief and scrubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head. "A beautiful, terrifying, hilarious, bitch," he finished, looking up at her with a smirk.

Laughing softly again, Miranda took a few moments to watch him. Sirius was more relaxed now, and he seemed less likely to yell at her if she decided to tell the truth about Remus. Taking a deep breath, she began to speak.

"Sirius, hon? So remember how you were horrible jealous of Remus, and rather angry about me and him?”

"I wouldn't go as far as to say I was angry, but go on?" He insisted, though somewhat warily.

“Well, there's kinda a thing about that. He might've, maybe, known about the bet and agreed to help me?"

"You pair of shits!" Sirius exclaimed, stepping back from her but unable to be genuinely annoyed. It was all over now, after all, and in actual fact, that news was rather a relief. "Oh, thank fuck. I mean, he's a complete git for doing it, but, that means you two aren’t actually smitten, right?"

"If we had gone on with it, we might've been." Miranda said softly, wrapping her fingers around his wrist and pulling him back in front of her. "But it was... Off when I kissed him. Not right, ya know? Not that it really matters anymore, but yeah. He's not actually into me." She shrugged and squeezed his wrist lightly, smiling.

"So you actually kissed him then?" Sirius asked, having not been completely convinced when Remus had mentioned it earlier. "Oh."

"Merlin, Sirius, stop that." Miranda sighed, slipping off the wall and following after him. "I was upset with you, he comforted me, and I kissed his cheek. That's all." She insisted, cupping his chin with her hand and bringing it up so she could look into his eyes.

"Lovely, I promise, I don't feel anything for him, nor him for me." Miranda repeated, pressing a small kiss to his cheek and pulling back slowly. "Stop pouting and let me kiss you for real, okay?"

He looked down into her eyes and nodded. At least it wasn't on the mouth. Everything was actually panning out for the best and Sirius only wished they'd had the intelligence to do this all a lot sooner. Miranda liked him and he liked Miranda, and Moony was still the possibly asexual boy he had been for the whole time Sirius had known him.

"Yeah, okay," Sirius tried not to sound too eager and failed spectacularly as he put a hand at her lower back and licked his lips.

"You're cute when you're nervous." She whispered, her mouth a little less than an inch away from his. "You get this little crinkle in your brow, and you look like you're worried someone's gonna come and... Take your cookie away or something." She giggled and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth. "Adorable."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goal: Update every Saturday. 
> 
> Actuality: Try and update every Saturday but most likely fail. 
> 
> This is CupcakeFloss posting chapters, just for anyone who didn't know. SteRhubarb is off having adventures somewhere, and we love them for it.


	7. Sirius Black is Always Adorable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing and flirting and unwarranted and then resolved conflicted anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck me, I really am a wretched human being.

"What are you talking about? I'm cute all the time," he was saying when she pressed a small kiss to his mouth. It wasn't like they'd never kissed before, but this was different.

Sirius froze and smiled slowly. "I can't believe we didn't do this sooner." He whispered before kissing her firmly, placing a hand at her jaw to deepen the kiss.

Miranda nodded as best she could with her mouth still on his, mumbling against his lips, "Idiots." She raised a hand to his face, ghosting her fingertips over his jaw and cheekbones before slipping it down to cup the back of his neck.

Giving away control to Sirius, she pulled them back so she was leaning against the wall and was able to rest her weight against it as she became more and more unsteady on her feet.

Sirius moved with her as she backed up against the wall and sighed into her mouth as they kissed. "You are-" He attempted to speak between rather sloppy, drawn-out kisses. "So fucking gorgeous."

Miranda happily kissed him back, smirking into the kisses as he attempted speaking. She curled her hand behind his head so she could card her fingers through the small hairs at the nape of his neck. She pulled Sirius against her, fisting a hand in his shirt to keep him close.

One hand was pushed back into her long, black hair and his other was roaming around her hip, and between two of them, they gave Miranda an entirely different impression than the words that came out of his mouth when he finally pulled away and gasped, "But we need to stop."

Frowning when he pulled back, Miranda's expression only deepening when he spoke, and her frown turned into a cold mask when his words sunk in. "Fine." She snapped, pushing him off her. "We'll stop." Stepping away from him, she shot Sirius a glare as she started towards the door. "I'm going to bed."

"Wait, Reynolds-" Sirius stumbled back at her push. "Miranda, would you just wait? I didn't mean it like that. I just meant for now, until everything is sorted again with James and Moony."

He went after her as she began ascending the staircase and reached for Miranda's hand to stop her. "I didn't mean stop stop."

Miranda froze when he said her name, closing her eyes gently as he grabbed her hand. "You said my name." She murmured, turning back to smile at Sirius. "You've never said my name."

"Miranda, Miranda, Miranda," he grinned down at her from the step above, relieved that she was no longer angry with him. "It's fun to say. Merlin knows why I've been calling you Reynolds for years. Probably to annoy you."

She gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand lightly, reassuringly even. "Go, apologize to your friends, sort it out. But I'm going to bed. I'm fucking knackered.”

Sirius nodded in agreement. It had been a very long, extremely tiring day and now that she mentioned it, a wave of exhaustion hit him. "Alright, I'll see you in the morning for Charms." He bent and gave her a small, sweet kiss. "Night."

"Jerk." Miranda laughed softly, kissing him back lightly. "But I still like you." She pressed another kiss to his lips before starting down the stairs, heading in the direction of the common room.

"Oh, and Sirius?" Miranda called back, turning before she got to the bottom of the stairs. "Don't blame your friends. Remus was only going along 'cause he was a bit annoyed and I was bribing him with chocolate. And James... I think James is just annoyed that you're getting the girl. He spends his time pining after Lily, and you're getting the one you want. It's enough to make anyone a bit of a tool."

Sirius stopped where he had begun to return to the astronomy tower for the cigarette he had failed to smoke earlier and turned when he was called. "No, I know. I'll just give Moony a couple of digs, that's all. A bit of a kicking. Enough that he'll know not to plot against me again." He joked.

"And you know, you could put a word in for James if you felt like it?" Sirius mentioned. "With Evans. The pining and stuff is getting quite pathetic."

"I'll see what I can do. 'Night, Sirius." She said, raising a hand to wave before retreating towards her dorm.

Sirius winked back at Miranda and went back out onto the balcony to indulge in a cigarette before bed.

* * *

 

The halls were once again deserted as she walked, and she made it back to Gryffindor common room quickly. The room was only slightly occupied, the few people still awake including Lily who was sitting in one of the couches.  

Collapsing into the red couch in front of the fire, Miranda let out a sigh. "Today was... Interesting." She said softly when Lily shot her a look of confusion. "How was yours?"

Lily had gotten back from her detention duty only an hour earlier and once showering and changing into her pyjamas, settled onto the couch in the commonroom to read a book. She did have her Potions essay to write, but after the day's events, had decided that she deserved some downtime.

When her best friend finally returned to the commonroom, considerably later than usual, Lily groaned and dropped her head into Miranda's lap. "Oh, Mir, it was bloody terrible. Stroke my hair, would you?" Lily reached for Miranda's hand and placed it on her head to help her along. "Where have you been? I saw Remus go up to the dormitories hours ago."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry." Miranda murmured, carding her fingers through Lily's hair as she was told. She knew exactly what she was supposed to be doing when Lily was like this, and part of making her best friend feel better was doing as she was told and petting Lily like she was a cat. "I wasn't with Remus, I was up on the Astronomy Tower with- Well, it doesn't really matter who I was with."

"You're going to tell me exactly who you were on the tower with later,"

Miranda shrugged and continued stroking her hair, waiting until the tense girl had calmed a bit before asking, "What was so terrible, huh? It didn't seem this bad at dinner. Something with Potter?" She guessed, as it usually was something to do with James. "Did Snape try to talk to you again?"

Lily rolled over in Miranda's lap so she could pout up at her. "James Potter and I are going to die together," she said, going from self-pitying to irritated in a second, just from mentioning his name. "Throttling each other with our bare hands."

Lily pushed herself up out of her friend's lap so as to illustrate the oncoming story with full arm movements. "The prat snuck into my detention duties and set off a ton of dungbombs under all of the desks. I had first and second years running out on me, one third year actually threw up. The only good part was that he managed to do it on Potter, but then the idiot managed to blame me for it. Can you believe that?" She stopped here to moan in disgust at remembering it. "And I got reprimanded by McGonagall for letting students leave during their detention, Potter got away, and then..." Lily paused here, and then finished quietly, gazing off into the fireplace with a frown. "I bumped into Sev on my way up here."

"Looks like none of us had good days." Miranda muttered under her breath. She then pulled Lily back down into her lap resuming the hair-petting in the hope to calm her down. "Lil, I'm sorry your day sucked. I know as your best friend I shouldn't be saying this, and I'm not taking his side or anything, but maybe you should give Potter a little slack?"

"A little slack?" Lily managed to repeat skeptically, before Miranda continued.

At Lily's incredulous look, Miranda backtracked quickly. "I don't mean you should forgive him or anything, he was behaving like a child, but... It's just that Remus and James both got into it with Sirius and they've all been off since. You know those lot, they rarely ever fight. So just... Don't be so hard on him? He's a nice guy, some of the time. And he bloody well loves you."

"I don't know if you've noticed, Mir, but that lot are always 'off', whether they're having a little tiff or not! And that does not mean that he should come and mess with me just because he hasn't got his friends to play with! I'll be exactly as hard on him as he deserves, thank you very much, and if he loves me so much -not mentioning how ridiculous that notion is- then he has a very strange way of showing it!" Lily huffed from beneath Miranda's hand and allowed her to continue in a bit more of the hair stroking before she even thought about the last question.

“That's my emotionally stunted girl." Miranda cooed, "Lils, hun, I'm not saying marry the guy, I'm just saying he isn't all that bad. And he's rather infatuated with you, so give him a chance. Who knows, you might even find he isn't half bad.”

"Fine, fine. I'll give him one chance to be a decent, non-stalker, and I'll tell him that his best friend Miranda Reynolds is the one he can thank for it." Lily grumbled herself into silence once more.

She tapped Lily's nose before going back to the petting. "What happened with Snape?"

"He just- he stopped me outside the Fat Lady and tried to talk to me. I told him you were waiting inside for me and I ran off."

"I'm sorry about that. I know you two were close, and even if you deny it, I know it hurts you that he said what he did." Miranda murmured, moving on from hair-petting to hair-braiding, twining Lily's long dark-red hair together. "But you should tell him to stop, not just keep running away from it. If you don't, he'll always think he has a chance and never let up."

She knew Miranda was right, of course, to just tell Snape to stop, but Lily's nostalgia for their friendship made it difficult to take the leap and cut him out of her life for good. She knew he'd just tripped up and made a mistake when he said what he'd said, but it was also clear that Snape truly believed in the meaning behind the words and the ideals of the people who used them.

Lily knew he was lost to her now and there was no forgiveness to be given, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Turned away in Miranda's lap, Lily began to cry for the sake of the relationship she used to share with Severus.

"Mmm." Miranda hummed, continuing with her braid. She didn't speak as she worked, letting the small comforting movement of her hands help Lily instead of any words she could offer. But when the girl in her lap began to cry, she knew the simple braiding wouldn't be enough.

"Sweetheart, shush." Miranda murmured, running her hands down Lily's back and rubbing in small circles. She continued to sooth the girl, grateful for the lack of people in the common room at the time. "Shh, lovely, it's okay. It'll be over soon, promise. Sometimes you just gotta do it, even if it hurts. And I'm sorry, Lils, but it's gonna hurt."

"I know!" Lily whimpered, sitting up and swiping at her eyes. "I know, but I just- Ugh, I'm pathetic. Stop crying, stop crying." She flapped a hand in front of her face to try and prevent the swelling and red eyes that were already full blown. "I thought I knew him. How could somebody you've known for so long turn out to be a complete stranger to you?" At that, she broke into another desperate sob and covered her face with her hands.

"I thought I loved him!" She admitted, shaking her head self-deprecatingly.

"Oh, Lils..." Miranda sighed, pulling the sobbing girl into a hug. She wrapped her arms around Lily and held her gently, rubbing a hand up and down her back as she cried. "Shh, sweetie, it's okay. It's okay." Miranda murmured into her best-friend's hair, whispering whatever calming things she could to the distraught girl.

Lily curled into Miranda's arm and cried and cried until she was dehydrated and sufficiently embarrassed enough to sit up and stop. She took several deep breaths and cleared her throat as she pushed hair out of her face. "I'm sorry about that," she muttered to Miranda even though she knew her friend would say it was fine. "I know what I have to do and I should just suck it up and do it. And I will." She nodded, decidedly, and smiled weakly at her best friend. "I love you, Mir. But I'm exhausted. Can we go to bed and you can tell me about your secret man on the astronomy tower in the morning?"

"Well, thank you for listening then. I know I tend to get a little incomprehensible when I blubber like that." Lily pulled all her hair over one shoulder in some semblance of neatness, the braid that Miranda had begun falling loose without anything to hold it in place, and climbed under the covers of her four-poster bed. "Night, Mir."

"'Night, Lil." Miranda murmured softly as the other girl climbed into her bed. She scooped up her pajamas from her bed and brought them with her into the bathroom, changing quietly as to not wake her sleeping roommates. She brushed her hair and teeth quickly, wanting to get into bed and steal all the sleep she could. When Miranda finally padded back into the room Lily was asleep, and she slipped under her own covers, curling up in her blankets and giving herself up to sleep happily.

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a fun Rp and Jesus, it's been a bitch editing. My Rp partner was/is brilliant, and you should go shower them with love! SteRhubarb.


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